Two years had passed since the last time I wrote here. I feel weird getting back here, yet I feel at home. Well, of course, it’s home because I built this place for me to rest whenever I’m tired of the fast pace flowing life that happens in front of my eyes. In those two years, a lot happened, I’ve gone to new places, achieved small things, and drew a bunch. Then I realized the only thing I didn’t do in those two long years was to meet a new person to connect with. It’s either I’m too closed off for the world to force its way into my core, or I’m too stubborn to let others in, afraid that I would get abandoned again. Whichever it is, here I am two years after leaving home and back feeling empty.

I crave a real connection with others. You know, like soul-to-soul connection kind of thing. I’d be lying if I didn’t try or gave multiple chances for others to connect with me, but they’re all just tiring me out with hollow talks and whatnot. You know that feeling too, I believe. That feeling when you have to try to match with others’ frequency. Like you need to hold back a few notches so you could talk properly with them. Why has the universe made it hard for me to meet someone on the same wavelength? Or is it just me?

—

I just read everything I wrote so far, with all their imperfection, misspelled and stupid grammatical mistakes. One thing I realized, most of them contained the word ‘home’. It made me think ‘was it my subconscious mind trying to tell me that I need someone to call home?’. Yet, some of them mentioned my previous favorite people as home. So it’s been four years since I lost a home, and I’m getting tired of wandering now. Is it the cue for me to get married now? Pfft.

Here’s the problem when I think about marriage. I feel like I am not good enough for anyone to spend their life on. See what I did there? I just contradicted myself! Ha! What a stupid mind I have to end up in an endless miserable loop spiraling endlessly down to the bottom of hell. And now I’m getting sure that one day eventually this is how I kill myself, with the same thought I always have within; I need someone to be with, but I’m not good enough for anyone. Boom! Done! Say no more, this is where I will be alone for the rest of my life.

I believe I am not the only one with such thought in this vast world, let alone this infinite universe. Even though I think I’ve grown into a better version of myself even just a tad bit, – that’s not mine to judge anyway – but I have yet to find the one to connect with. That way of thinking led me to another question with no answer; why?

Is it because I never made a move to look for them? Or maybe, they’re exactly like me! They don’t make a move too, waiting to be found! Ha! Then this is for us, my brothers and sisters that are caged to our own thoughts, wanting something to change but do nothing to change it.

Oh, what the hell am I talking about. I began to babble shit now since I am so lost. But you get my point, right? It’s been too long since the last time I tangled my soul with someone else’s and I’m craving it. If you read my other writings, you know that I don’t share anything with anyone – other than my favorite people. Since I lost my favorite person four years ago, I’ve built up too many stories in me and I have nobody to share them with. You have friends when you have interesting stories, you share sad storied and breakups with your mom, and you share the joy with your siblings, that’s how you let your personal feelings spread to the world around you. I don’t do that. Not that I don’t want to, but I can’t. I tried multiple times and I feel like a fraud by doing so. I think I need intimacy with another soul, not just a common connection.

Anyway, I’m sorry if you read this far and have no idea what I’m saying. I have no idea too. I’m just desperate to let this tiny bit of hopelessness from inside to make me somehow feel better. I haven’t reread this so I have no idea how it goes. Maybe one day I will, and feel the same way as you are now, whatever it is. I hope you never feel the same emptiness I feel now, my dear friend. I hope you find someone whom you could resonate with. You take care. I’ll see you soon.