You can take this as the last writing from me. I will disappear after this from the physical world toward whatever comes next. Some say this is a suicide note. Perhaps it is, depending how you think of it. But for me, this is the only way to let go of everything I’ve been holding on. I thought I could handle everything on my own, I was wrong. It started long time ago that I stopped sharing to anybody. And now, those things have grown into something larger than me, pinning me down in a dead end.

You would probably think, “hey don’t give up,” or stuff alike. Or even probably mocking me for being a coward to run away from life. Well that’s okay. I made up my mind already when I have nothing left to fight for.

Allow me to untangled everything here.

I have a bipolar disorder that enables me to be some mindfucked asshole for most of the time. And the rest of that, I simply function as part of what’s necessary for people around me. As a brother, as a lover, as a son, as a copywriter, as a dog owner, and the rest. Even in those scattered little time, I am still the biggest asshole around where I should be the opposite of that.

I have no idea where it all went wrong. Well if I knew, I would’ve fixed it before it came to this. Everything is failing me. Or rather I am failing everything. None of my effort went through to be a success. As a son, my parents want me to be this and that made me to be a dog that follows order. I stated my thought and all, which always ended up with them convinced me otherwise from what I wanted. Maybe it wasn’t all their faults when I wasn’t strong enough to stood my ground and I wanted to make them happy since I couldn’t make them proud. So I don’t blame them.

Big thing happened when I reached seventeen, I fought my way with everything in me and got my freedom. Or at least that was what I thought when they told me to be free. Sadly, it wasn’t the case. They were still subtly dictated me. I didn’t get my total freedom until I began to think that freedom is just a bullshit.

I gave up to a lot of things because of them. Again, I don’t hate them. They just want me to be successful person when all I want is to be happy, chasing my dream, be whatever I want. I couldn’t and will never blame my parents for thinking about my future in this world full of competition. It is just sad now, when people ask me is this what I want, and all I could do is to fake a yes.

Well here’s another thing that I reluctantly share to you, but I have to so that you’d understand my desperation. My dad is some sort of a public figure. People see him as a great man that motivates others. And for most of the time, he always said to them that they should find and chase their passion. Ironically what he said to others, wasn’t applicable for his own son. He killed mine when I said I wanna be a writer. Now when it is too late for me, all there is left is regret. Why didn’t I just fuck it and leave to chase my dream. Now dream is only a dream for me.

I always wanted to be a writer. I love to write. When I told my parents of my dream, my dad stopped me from chasing it, told me that being a writer won’t feed my family later when I have one because not every writing could sell. So I ended up being a copywriter in an advertising agency, forced to be a slave and see my freedom to write being ripped apart everytime I have to write based on my client’s demand. Yet, it makes my parents happy, and I get half of what I want; I write. Everybody wins.

That’s one thing. Now to my brothers, I know they never look up to me. I am the eldest son. I never did anything awesome in their eyes. Well, how could I when the things I did, weren’t mine. They all came from my parents that lead me to did everything half-heartedly. So I became a half-person in planned to be. One thing I am glad that I did it was the time when I fought back. In a sense to another, that gave my parents a lesson of letting me and my brothers to do what we wanted. My bother now has his own restaurant and the youngest one becomes an artist. While me, I became a nobody. Still, I am happy for them. They are chasing their dreams when I couldn’t get mine.

Move on to next, let me share about my girlfriend. Or should I say ex girlfriend now. And in my opinion, the relationship holds the heaviest weight on this. I met her via online and felt the whole universe forcing me to believe that she is the one. I gave up fighting that force and gave my everything to her. I bet she never once believed that I gave her everything. But yeah, shit happened, life goes on. Little that she knows, she brought along my soul when she left. Or should I say she knew because once she texted me, asked me whether I could live without her or not, which I replied I couldn’t. It didn’t stopped her from leaving though.

For her, I wasn’t going anywhere from the person I was, and I didn’t care about her in the least all I ever did was disappointing her. And to her I could only said lies. And other psychology shit that slowly killed everything in me. Well, I didn’t say a thing when she said that. I was too tired of endless arguments. I thought she was smart enough to see that every once in a week I went to a psychiatry for her since she suggested that. Yes, to the fucking psychiatry that I never once believed it could save me. Still, I went there for her.

Now don’t get me wrong, the psychiatrist helped me to be better, but not in the way you thought it would. By going there I realized that we helped ourselves. Subconsciously the psychiatrist triggered everything in me to changed my old skin into a better one. And months passed by after I broke up with my girlfriend, I still go to that place. Not for her, but for me to fulfill my curiosity on what I could do inside my head. And now every question I got had been answered. I am not gonna go there again tomorrow.

She texted me once after we broke up. I calmly replied stating the facts and all, she still saw me as an asshole. So what else can I do? I could told her until my last breath that I am a changing man, but I would never change what she wants to believe. So I swallow horrible and painful words she threw at me, not knowing that I was thinking “what about those words when you said ‘let’s be alive together’? So can I be disappointed and take that as lies too? Well, it doesn’t matter now. She left already and I am about to leave too. It is just sad when I think about it. I am guessing she wants to see an instant change from me. Well, she could fuck that cup noodle if she wants an instant one. But I could never change in a blink. I need time. This thing needs process.

I feel stupid for ever gave her my everything. Now I had nothing left. No soul inside this body.

The same with my parents, I am not blaming her. For when I was with her, I felt I could be saved. There was hope for me. For once, she was my reason to live. I made her that. So when she leave with everything of me, it was all on me. It was my fault.

About my work, I know they needed me. They stopped me several times when I told them I want to leave. I tried so hard to bear with them and stick around. But since I lost my color slowly, I stopped going to work. Now it’s been two months I didn’t go to work and lock myself in my own world. I bet they fired me already and I don’t give a shit. I didn’t feel I grow there. I didn’t feel excitement when made copies for ads. I didn’t feel alive inside that office. And when I got sick and tired of it, I just stopped going there. I got enough savings so everyday,I faked my leave to the office and spent the whole day at a coffee shop, so that my parents didn’t get suspicious. Some of the days I when I didn’t feel like seeing anybody, I just told my parents that I had a meeting later after lunch. When everyone left for their own businesses, I went back to sleep until noon. When they all got back, I told them I went home early because I finished my work for the day.

And by now you would probably think that I would share about my friends. Sadly, I got none. I never for once a social person. I could fake it, and be friendly with anybody. But deep down, I don’t like to be around people. Nonetheless, my girlfriend saw me that I am faking my introvert side rather than the opposite. It cut me a bit when I thought the person that supposedly knew me well, didn’t know me at all. But that’s alright I guess. I should’ve known when she didn’t believe that I got no friends.

I cut my ties with everyone else when I had no reason to be social. Let say, now, I got no connection to my friends in highschool or college. Well of course when I meet them in an occasion or at the street, I talk alright to them, but besides that, I have no intention to hang out with them. I spent my days with books, and that’s enough for me. Sometimes, just sometimes, I think that is one of the reason I ended up here, ready to commit suicide. I lack of human interaction.

Well I guess I am done here since now I begin to feel like it is pointless to write everything down. I’d be dead soon, why the hell I want to let the burden go? This burden is all I need to get me drown and die.

Actually there is one thing I am afraid of when I successfully kill myself. But yeah, let me just keep it for myself. Since it won’t mean a thing yo you. You would probably read this and forget about the whole thing tomorrow when you wake up.

Anyway, this is my cue. Take care to you, and thank you if you read it all through. Sorry that I have wasted your time for nothing. Don’t bother to leave a message here for I won’t be around. I hope your life is wonderful.

Goodbye.

Regards,

The coward