Writing

reflection. – part four. final – 

Cunningly.Lost, Leave a comment

That was the only logical thing to do when you ran into the woods at night, right? I wished my future-self brought along some game I could play in times like these. But the silence was okay too I guess. I got my imagination to play with anyway. And slowly I got the confident that I could pull it through. Then something moved from the dark. I couldn’t see, but I could feel it. But the creature that came my way was the darkness itself, ready to plunge it fangs into my soul. I trembled big time and couldn’t budge a finger. Then the darkness swallowed me whole and crushed my soul. I was filled with despair.

I was sure I am going to die. It was pointless to regret anything. At least I wished I could tell my parents that I was sorry. But the request was nothing but a useless hope when I am about to be devoured by the creature everyone scared about. Wait! I had my future-me came before, it meant I made it to the future right? Where is he now? Slowly, I regained my composure because I couldn’t be killed now. I exist in the future.

The creature kept it pace towards me. I was scared, but I tried not to. I would save myself anytime soon. I rooted my feet firm to the ground not to step a single inch back. Vaguely I heard a growl. I sporadically ran for my life out of the cave. Have you ever tried to run with your eyes closed? It was basically what I did. I forgot my flashlight due to fear that caused me to ran for my life. My life worth more than a sight in the dark.

So I ran as fast as a boy could. But I knew I wouldn’t go far. It wasn’t my territory. I am not a nocturnal creature with a night vision feature. I knew I could not win this fight but as once an animal, humans have the instinct of an animal if they are pushed to the edge. It fueled me to marched on toward the dark part of the woods. And even for that slightest luck, I was betting my life on the line. So I ran as if I had no other purpose in my life other than running on that very moment, as fast as a boy could. It was tough. But my time to give up wasn’t coming anytime soon. I wouldn’t want me to be killed in the woods by some creature I couldn’t fathom. But then again what I understood by that day wasn’t that vast like what I have now. Even death was something beyond my understanding. Yet I know that it exist. It stole my granddad from me. Continue reading “reflection. – part four. final – “ →

reflection. – part four. final – 

reflection. – part two –

Cunningly.Lost, Leave a comment

The morning came to visit early. The sun ray pierced through my window awakened me with a glorious bright light. I’ve lost my fever that morning. A bit light-headed I sat up in a room I didn’t recognize. It took me sometimes to realize that I was in my apartment. I survived hell alone. Great thing to start a day. It was Sunday. I got plenty time to kill with no idea of what to do came upon my brain. So I sat there at the edge of my bed recalling the nightmare. Then I remembered about my shadow. The sun casted my shadow to the wall behind me. I looked at it carefully trying to find some sign of malice from it. I couldn’t find any. It was my shadow alright. Could it be that I have hallucinated about it yesterday? Could the blizzard messed up my judgement? Well whichever it was, I got my shadow back and nothing could go wrong in this amazing morning. I wouldn’t let anything ruin it. Nothing except that blasting stereo playing some sort of hip-hop song from my vigorous neighbor.

Even I felt awesome that morning, I couldn’t shake the weird feeling of my nightmare as if part of me believe that to some extent that the dream was real. What was that all about? Where did such imagination came from? They said our dreams came from the thoughts we had before we go to bed. But I was sure that I wasn’t thinking of anything since the rough stroll I had before. All I ever thought was to get home as soon as possible and not to get killed frozen. So I let go the idea and went for the hot shower I deserved to have yesterday.

As the tub slowly filled with hot water, I took my time taking off my clothes. Then the mirror came to view with blurry reflection of mine produced by the steam from the tub and the cold air in winter. I wiped the dew and saw myself better now. I was too thin for a man my age. Then for a brief second my reflection sent back that eerie smile he did in my nightmare. I tried to run, but my feet failed me that I had nothing else better to do than to ask what was it all about. This time I was shouting loud that I was afraid that my neighbor would report me to the police. But thanks to his deafness, my voice was covered with the songs. Nonetheless, this thing got to end this instant. Continue reading “reflection. – part two –” →

reflection. – part two –

reflection. – part one –

Cunningly.Lost, Leave a comment

I was walking in a blizzard when I suddenly realized that my shadow wasn’t mine. It was weird enough to realized about it when the chill went through my spine to my soul. But I was damn sure that this dark figure beneath my feet wasn’t the one that had been with me all my life. This thing didn’t belong to me. Was it because the thick snow that I began to see things differently? It was clear enough that everything was different in the winter. Everything had lost their colors.

I had been sick these past few days and the agony I had to bear was beyond compare. So I decided to go to the clinic 15 minutes walk from my place, only to found that it was closed due to the blizzard. Perfect! Now I had to walk the extra mile just to get back home where I couldn’t be sure that I would make it until the sun’s up. And if you were asking about the hospital, forget it. It is thrice the distance from my apartment to the clinic. I would freeze to death instantly if I walk there. Even this 15 minutes walk felt like a century walk. The hospital might be a millennium away from me.

I’d been living alone since I accepted the job offer in The City. I never too fond of the city life and that included those glamorous light-show that never been my thing. But the money they threw into my pocket was a bait I couldn’t possibly ignore. So there I was, thousands miles away from my family, alone, trying to survive the night, literally. Everything was so easy in the city until they all forgotten that for once humanity was depending on woods and rocks to survive. The city people tend to simplify everything and that was disease I need to avoid. Did I make a wrong turn here? Well it was too late now to turn around and I was 5 minutes walk from home. I needed a hot shower. Not to forget to confront the problem beneath my feet.

As I walked home, I looked down to my shadow and I could swear that it just smiled at me. Oh this blizzard corrupted my mind. Would a hot shower suffice to shake the random imagination? I could only wait until I got home.

***  Continue reading “reflection. – part one –” →

reflection. – part one –

Exist

Cunningly.Lost, , Leave a comment
I am me. I think i exist.
You are you. You also think you exist.
Solely to that thought we think we exist.
–
But then again why do we need to prove our existence?
Alone, we wander deep in thought for our existence.
–
To be able to exist one must need another party.
–
God for example. He needs us to prove His existence.
Without us, He would be out of occupation as God.
What kind of living being with conscious you are
if you don’t have anyone to acknowledge that you exist?
And perhaps that was the reason He created us.
Simply to acknowledge His existence.
–
That’s why I need you to acknowledge mine.
Exist

Happiness Is A Bitch

Cunningly.Lost, , Leave a comment

– Are you happy?
– Why do you ask that?
– You don’t look happy to me. That’s all.
– So I have to be able to tell you all that I am happy without uttering a word. Is that it?
– No. That’s not what I meant.
– So elaborate.
– Normal people would express their happiness. From their facial expression, their gestures, their way of talking, their choice of songs to sing, and everything else normal person would do when they are happy.
– Why so? Why can’t I keep my happiness for my own? Continue reading “Happiness Is A Bitch” →

Happiness Is A Bitch

Your Call

Cunningly.LostLeave a comment

What would you do when you fell in love with another person when you are engaged? Someone that might truly held your future. Someone that might give you something you may never find in others. That’s the question of faith. You would never know what might come to your way and all you could do is hold fast so you may not drown in the possibilities.

Consider this: the feeling of your fiancée and your true feeling towards that another someone. Now that’s tough. It’ll drag you to the start line.

Would you save the long relationship when suddenly you gradually lost the feeling to the bond or would you be an asshole and leave towards something unknown to you?

That’s life. I was pushed towards a whirlpool and drown to my misery.  It was indeed a tough one. Or at least for me, it was a hard decision to make. To my left, stood a future I built for years and through blood shed. To my right, a dark future that I may not figure out until I walk the path. I was damned to my thought that somehow I pushed everyone away from me. I was fighting a losing game when it comes to face my confusion. And out of desperation, I made a selfish move. I decided to hang myself and stay alone for eternity. A coward move that I loathe so much making my death isn’t enough to pay the debt. You might say ‘That was easy. Stick to your plan and forget the intruder.’ And yes I may be agreeing with you when I don’t have to move.  Or you’d go with ‘Stay true to your heart. You’re no longer feeling a thing for her, why would you keep the ring?’

True, those thoughts crossed my mind along with billions other thoughts. But I was a filthy childish man without a solid ground under my feet. I hate myself for not knowing what to do instead running away from the trouble. Now here is the question for you; what would you do if you were me?

Get to my tomb and speak aloud your answer. I’ll be waiting from hell.

 

Sincerely,

 

Your dead buddy

 

Your Call

The Peculiar World

Cunningly.Lost, , 2 Comments

This year in a few months, I will be 24. They say I’m becoming a man. I say I’m becoming myself and nobody else. And it sounds like something far beyond imagination on my tenth birthday, when I think about being twenty-plus. And someday near from now or tomorrow, without I’m being aware of it, 50 would come when I’m sleeping. But time is something insignificant to me. Even time is cruel, every tick means nothing to my system, but only as a reminder to do normal activities. Loneliness is everything I’ll ever need without constantly expecting some interference from outside world, even though they always manage to do it. I also from time to time had several close calls to death, experimenting the borderline of life and something beyond. Some happened in my dreams, some in my real life. It is not a big deal for me, but others make a fuss over it. Like my parents. They’re afraid losing something not theirs. My soul belongs to me, and me alone should be worrying about it, not them. But it is probably the reason they’re worrying about my soul because they never really acknowledge the freedom of existing in the place I visit the most, the place I love the most, so they never really think exceeding the life they’re living, which I believe on their understanding: nothing exist for us to go beyond this life. Even some religions believe on the idea of heaven and hell, but they could proceed to move on to the spiritual world only when they gave up on their life and souls. Still, we won’t be able to enjoy it or suffer for it nor even to tell the tale of it because, from what I heard, we lost our desires over worldly necessity when we died. Yet, none is able to prove it.

But people will always have to commute with their kind and never really understand about the very souls on their possessions, and to know that they could be free from anything, even from their own body if they wanted to. Only they never had the chance to grasp of it in the cause of preoccupied with their routine life, and misunderstood the idea of this freedom I am talking about. On the other hand, people tend to see me as some kind of weirdo with my solitary life – they would even think I’m weirder if they knew about the experiments I did about life and death. I am always be the one standing alone at the edge of the society. Just like when I was in high school, I had no one to called as a friend. Classmates were just classmates. Worked the same as fellow members in literature club. Nothing but a bunch of people in a same place and time doing the same thing. And to be real honest, there was nothing wrong with them. I understood enough about their kindness and their good intention to even tried coping with me. But I just couldn’t bear myself breathing among them.

Continue reading “The Peculiar World” →

The Peculiar World