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The Session – part two –

Cunningly.Lost, 3 Comments

“Now close your eyes,” she says to me as I sit there with my legs stretched out under the table. I crossed my arms on my chest at first, but then I remember about the body language thing. My gesture now, might suggesting her that I am not opening up to her. So I move my arms to my sides and let them rest there. I close my eyes as I was told. My mind begins to take over. Did I tell her everything? Have I missed something? Not that I am afraid that I didn’t tell everything as it is, but I need help and it would be nice if I could get over it as soon as possible. And to get that help I believe that I need to tell her everything.

She listened to my words with extra care when I was telling her why I am her. Or at least that what she wants me to believe. Nothing is sure for me in this psychological matter. I begin to doubt every little thing. She might just pretending to be my ally to earn my trust so I could open up to her. Either way it is, I have to tell everything so I could get her help. It was my choice to tell her everything. I need her help and she needs my trust. So it’s about give and take relationship here. I wish the world understands that.

“Try not to think about anything else and concentrate on your breathing.” Again, I do what she said. “Try to release yourself from your thought. On each breath you take, it will make you fall deeper into a relaxation state,” she pauses there as if letting me to catch up with her words.

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The Session – part two –

The Session – part one –

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Something is very wrong with me. I am depressed without knowing the reason. I am not sure about the things happening inside me so that I decided to go to a shrink to figure out what is wrong with me. I told no other soul about this matter. Not my parents, not even my girlfriend knows about it.

The place is an hour trip from my home. I took a day off from my work, excused myself by telling them a lie that I am having a fever today. Not totally a lie since mental illness is a sickness too. Still, I feel a bit guilty that I didn’t tell the truth, especially to my girlfriend that thinks I am working today. I have to tell her later.

I don’t get in right away when I’m arrived. I take a cigarette and light it outside the gate to calm myself. I am fifteen minutes earlier anyway. The place or I should say the house where my psychiatrist works is a normal house that you could find anywhere. Nothing fancy. Nothing special about it. No sign or something alike to distinguished it from the rest. No one would think that inside, it treats sick people like me. Full of secrecy like what people been telling me about such place.

“They will keep everything for themselves as professional helpers. What you talked inside the room is your privacy and they would keep it that way. It’s their policy.” My friend told me once about her experience. “Everything you said, stayed in the room without any possible way escaping it,” she also added, “my psychiatrist never told my parents that I went there when I had an abortion. They are trained to keep your information classified.”

Continue reading “The Session – part one –” →

The Session – part one –

A Dying Star.

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It’s been a lot of signs to tell me that she’s the one. But I refuse to acknowledge them simply because I am not suitable for her. I judged myself on the matter of course. 

Imagine a brilliant star meet an enormous black hole. That’s her and me. I might swallow her and forcefully take her light until there is nothing left from her.

She is dying now. I don’t want it. But as God gives each and every of us the free will to act, she comes closer to my gravitational range and slowly sucked into my despair.

I have two options here. To run away and never be found or let my ego dies and let her be the happiest girl alive.

You would say the latter one of course if I love her so dearly, which I do, but that would be a extremely hard when my ego has been with me my whole life.

After a long time of thinking, I decided to run since I am no worthy of her bright light. I will regret this choice of mine, but I believe she could be happier with me.

This is my ego choosing her happiness over mine. Of course it’s just another excuse for a cowardly act that I will do. But again I would love to see her shines at her brightest, rather than dying around me.

This is the last dying wish from a dissolving black hole around her universe.

A Dying Star.

Loop of failure.

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It is dark when I open my eyes.
I am falling. I know I am.
Fear comes to visit.
Where am I?
How I got here?
Am I dead?

I keep falling at a fixed pace.
Not slowing down nor speeding up.
Stagnant.

How long have I been here?

Anger comes next.
I hate what’s happening now.
I hate whatever reason for this.
I hate myself for being clueless.
I hate God for doing this to me.

I keep falling at a fixed pace.
It seems endless.
The worst torment for me.
I am lost. Frail. Crushed.

I feel numb.
I am not brave nor scared.
I am not happy nor sad.
I am not alive nor dead.

The next, comes despair.
Let me go from this suffering.
Let me rest in agony if it helps.
Let me trade my freedom for death.
Let something happens rather than this.

Time becomes insignificant.
I could be here for eternity or a minute.
I am alone. I know I am.
I am falling. I know I am.
But i don’t know will I ever escape this.
I wish someone could save me.
No one would.  I know they won’t.

Only i could save myself.

Then i open my eyes from the nightmare.

But it is dark when I open my eyes.
I am failing. I know I am.

Loop of failure.

Moon.

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The gravity burdening me down in a blink. People got confused sometimes. That’s what they told me when i shared my story. I don’t think it’s my case. I sense something less destructive, something i cared about is causing this heavy feeling.

Months pass by. I feel heavier. Not that i hate it. It’s just heavy. That’s all.

Everywhere i walk, this invisible burden thing drags me down. I’m afraid i’d reach hell sooner. Even in my sleep my dreams are gloomier. I need someone to help me. I need it fast, the cure for my situation.

I finally find someone i think would be my salvation. It is a girl i’ve met before. Something in her eyes gets me lighter. I love being with her. So i try every possible way to reach out to my savior. She welcomed me everytime i came to her.

Continue reading “Moon.” →

Moon.

Perfect Chaos.

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The ability to make the truest chaos remains in one’s ability to imagine. One shouldn’t worry too much if one’s head had been pampered with a life-time of harsh training we called life. The bitter part of it, is to repeat the creation of chaos, undisturbed from the beauty of its surrounding. Then it’ll slowly pouring down becoming reality one couldn’t escape. It’ll drop the darkest shadow upon men, engulfing one’s world with nothing but anguish and despair. Eventually secluded a soul from the rest beyond help. The perfect horror for one’s life to end. 

Perfect Chaos.

reflection. – part four. final – 

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That was the only logical thing to do when you ran into the woods at night, right? I wished my future-self brought along some game I could play in times like these. But the silence was okay too I guess. I got my imagination to play with anyway. And slowly I got the confident that I could pull it through. Then something moved from the dark. I couldn’t see, but I could feel it. But the creature that came my way was the darkness itself, ready to plunge it fangs into my soul. I trembled big time and couldn’t budge a finger. Then the darkness swallowed me whole and crushed my soul. I was filled with despair.

I was sure I am going to die. It was pointless to regret anything. At least I wished I could tell my parents that I was sorry. But the request was nothing but a useless hope when I am about to be devoured by the creature everyone scared about. Wait! I had my future-me came before, it meant I made it to the future right? Where is he now? Slowly, I regained my composure because I couldn’t be killed now. I exist in the future.

The creature kept it pace towards me. I was scared, but I tried not to. I would save myself anytime soon. I rooted my feet firm to the ground not to step a single inch back. Vaguely I heard a growl. I sporadically ran for my life out of the cave. Have you ever tried to run with your eyes closed? It was basically what I did. I forgot my flashlight due to fear that caused me to ran for my life. My life worth more than a sight in the dark.

So I ran as fast as a boy could. But I knew I wouldn’t go far. It wasn’t my territory. I am not a nocturnal creature with a night vision feature. I knew I could not win this fight but as once an animal, humans have the instinct of an animal if they are pushed to the edge. It fueled me to marched on toward the dark part of the woods. And even for that slightest luck, I was betting my life on the line. So I ran as if I had no other purpose in my life other than running on that very moment, as fast as a boy could. It was tough. But my time to give up wasn’t coming anytime soon. I wouldn’t want me to be killed in the woods by some creature I couldn’t fathom. But then again what I understood by that day wasn’t that vast like what I have now. Even death was something beyond my understanding. Yet I know that it exist. It stole my granddad from me. Continue reading “reflection. – part four. final – “ →

reflection. – part four. final – 

reflection. – part two –

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The morning came to visit early. The sun ray pierced through my window awakened me with a glorious bright light. I’ve lost my fever that morning. A bit light-headed I sat up in a room I didn’t recognize. It took me sometimes to realize that I was in my apartment. I survived hell alone. Great thing to start a day. It was Sunday. I got plenty time to kill with no idea of what to do came upon my brain. So I sat there at the edge of my bed recalling the nightmare. Then I remembered about my shadow. The sun casted my shadow to the wall behind me. I looked at it carefully trying to find some sign of malice from it. I couldn’t find any. It was my shadow alright. Could it be that I have hallucinated about it yesterday? Could the blizzard messed up my judgement? Well whichever it was, I got my shadow back and nothing could go wrong in this amazing morning. I wouldn’t let anything ruin it. Nothing except that blasting stereo playing some sort of hip-hop song from my vigorous neighbor.

Even I felt awesome that morning, I couldn’t shake the weird feeling of my nightmare as if part of me believe that to some extent that the dream was real. What was that all about? Where did such imagination came from? They said our dreams came from the thoughts we had before we go to bed. But I was sure that I wasn’t thinking of anything since the rough stroll I had before. All I ever thought was to get home as soon as possible and not to get killed frozen. So I let go the idea and went for the hot shower I deserved to have yesterday.

As the tub slowly filled with hot water, I took my time taking off my clothes. Then the mirror came to view with blurry reflection of mine produced by the steam from the tub and the cold air in winter. I wiped the dew and saw myself better now. I was too thin for a man my age. Then for a brief second my reflection sent back that eerie smile he did in my nightmare. I tried to run, but my feet failed me that I had nothing else better to do than to ask what was it all about. This time I was shouting loud that I was afraid that my neighbor would report me to the police. But thanks to his deafness, my voice was covered with the songs. Nonetheless, this thing got to end this instant. Continue reading “reflection. – part two –” →

reflection. – part two –