You know that you make me feel alive.
But with that, you know that you have the power to kill me.
Slowly, quietly, without you noticing, you are killing me.
But don’t forget, my lady, I am man.
I have a pride to keep.
And with dignity, I shall do a cowardly move by committing suicide.
Only to keep you away from this soul of mine.
You may take my life and everything in it with you, but not my death.
The gravity burdening me down in a blink. People got confused sometimes. That’s what they told me when i shared my story. I don’t think it’s my case. I sense something less destructive, something i cared about is causing this heavy feeling.
Months pass by. I feel heavier. Not that i hate it. It’s just heavy. That’s all.
Everywhere i walk, this invisible burden thing drags me down. I’m afraid i’d reach hell sooner. Even in my sleep my dreams are gloomier. I need someone to help me. I need it fast, the cure for my situation.
I finally find someone i think would be my salvation. It is a girl i’ve met before. Something in her eyes gets me lighter. I love being with her. So i try every possible way to reach out to my savior. She welcomed me everytime i came to her.
The ability to make the truest chaos remains in one’s ability to imagine. One shouldn’t worry too much if one’s head had been pampered with a life-time of harsh training we called life. The bitter part of it, is to repeat the creation of chaos, undisturbed from the beauty of its surrounding. Then it’ll slowly pouring down becoming reality one couldn’t escape. It’ll drop the darkest shadow upon men, engulfing one’s world with nothing but anguish and despair. Eventually secluded a soul from the rest beyond help. The perfect horror for one’s life to end.
That was the only logical thing to do when you ran into the woods at night, right? I wished my future-self brought along some game I could play in times like these. But the silence was okay too I guess. I got my imagination to play with anyway. And slowly I got the confident that I could pull it through. Then something moved from the dark. I couldn’t see, but I could feel it. But the creature that came my way was the darkness itself, ready to plunge it fangs into my soul. I trembled big time and couldn’t budge a finger. Then the darkness swallowed me whole and crushed my soul. I was filled with despair.
I was sure I am going to die. It was pointless to regret anything. At least I wished I could tell my parents that I was sorry. But the request was nothing but a useless hope when I am about to be devoured by the creature everyone scared about. Wait! I had my future-me came before, it meant I made it to the future right? Where is he now? Slowly, I regained my composure because I couldn’t be killed now. I exist in the future.
The creature kept it pace towards me. I was scared, but I tried not to. I would save myself anytime soon. I rooted my feet firm to the ground not to step a single inch back. Vaguely I heard a growl. I sporadically ran for my life out of the cave. Have you ever tried to run with your eyes closed? It was basically what I did. I forgot my flashlight due to fear that caused me to ran for my life. My life worth more than a sight in the dark.
So I ran as fast as a boy could. But I knew I wouldn’t go far. It wasn’t my territory. I am not a nocturnal creature with a night vision feature. I knew I could not win this fight but as once an animal, humans have the instinct of an animal if they are pushed to the edge. It fueled me to marched on toward the dark part of the woods. And even for that slightest luck, I was betting my life on the line. So I ran as if I had no other purpose in my life other than running on that very moment, as fast as a boy could. It was tough. But my time to give up wasn’t coming anytime soon. I wouldn’t want me to be killed in the woods by some creature I couldn’t fathom. But then again what I understood by that day wasn’t that vast like what I have now. Even death was something beyond my understanding. Yet I know that it exist. It stole my granddad from me. Continue reading “reflection. – part four. final – “
The clock was saying ten fifteen. I only had one hour and forty-five minutes left to get it done. I needed to conquer the malice inside me. But something went wrong initially as I opened my eyes. My vision got foggy and slowly I began to lose the sense of my very own existence. I’d became an idea. A non-existence human being occupied the time and space. I became a waste that the world didn’t need. I’ve lost my grip to my consciousness – or I thought I did. Everything suddenly went black and I felt I was being moved towards somewhere. Like a fish so suddenly plucked out of the water I was gasping for for explanation. Where was I going? Who was my puppeteer?
I became disoriented. I couldn’t tell whether I was ascending or descending. Left or right became a vague concept. But I had to admit that it was an effortless traveling. I wished I could do it in real life. Oh so convenient. Here it goes the city-people disease. Then in my confusion, an electricity shock ran through me and I felt myself stopped. Even so, I was still disoriented.
It was a weird trip. So surreal that I had to slap myself to get the gist of it. I felt nothing. So this is all is just a dream? Or is it because I am just an idea now? Thoughts of numberless speculation swarming through my head. Too much that I couldn’t even grab one of themto my understanding. I let go the fight and tried to see what was going to happen next. I just wished that I weren’t dead. I haven’t done my anything in life! Continue reading “reflection. – part three –”
The morning came to visit early. The sun ray pierced through my window awakened me with a glorious bright light. I’ve lost my fever that morning. A bit light-headed I sat up in a room I didn’t recognize. It took me sometimes to realize that I was in my apartment. I survived hell alone. Great thing to start a day. It was Sunday. I got plenty time to kill with no idea of what to do came upon my brain. So I sat there at the edge of my bed recalling the nightmare. Then I remembered about my shadow. The sun casted my shadow to the wall behind me. I looked at it carefully trying to find some sign of malice from it. I couldn’t find any. It was my shadow alright. Could it be that I have hallucinated about it yesterday? Could the blizzard messed up my judgement? Well whichever it was, I got my shadow back and nothing could go wrong in this amazing morning. I wouldn’t let anything ruin it. Nothing except that blasting stereo playing some sort of hip-hop song from my vigorous neighbor.
Even I felt awesome that morning, I couldn’t shake the weird feeling of my nightmare as if part of me believe that to some extent that the dream was real. What was that all about? Where did such imagination came from? They said our dreams came from the thoughts we had before we go to bed. But I was sure that I wasn’t thinking of anything since the rough stroll I had before. All I ever thought was to get home as soon as possible and not to get killed frozen. So I let go the idea and went for the hot shower I deserved to have yesterday.
As the tub slowly filled with hot water, I took my time taking off my clothes. Then the mirror came to view with blurry reflection of mine produced by the steam from the tub and the cold air in winter. I wiped the dew and saw myself better now. I was too thin for a man my age. Then for a brief second my reflection sent back that eerie smile he did in my nightmare. I tried to run, but my feet failed me that I had nothing else better to do than to ask what was it all about. This time I was shouting loud that I was afraid that my neighbor would report me to the police. But thanks to his deafness, my voice was covered with the songs. Nonetheless, this thing got to end this instant. Continue reading “reflection. – part two –”
I was walking in a blizzard when I suddenly realized that my shadow wasn’t mine. It was weird enough to realized about it when the chill went through my spine to my soul. But I was damn sure that this dark figure beneath my feet wasn’t the one that had been with me all my life. This thing didn’t belong to me. Was it because the thick snow that I began to see things differently? It was clear enough that everything was different in the winter. Everything had lost their colors.
I had been sick these past few days and the agony I had to bear was beyond compare. So I decided to go to the clinic 15 minutes walk from my place, only to found that it was closed due to the blizzard. Perfect! Now I had to walk the extra mile just to get back home where I couldn’t be sure that I would make it until the sun’s up. And if you were asking about the hospital, forget it. It is thrice the distance from my apartment to the clinic. I would freeze to death instantly if I walk there. Even this 15 minutes walk felt like a century walk. The hospital might be a millennium away from me.
I’d been living alone since I accepted the job offer in The City. I never too fond of the city life and that included those glamorous light-show that never been my thing. But the money they threw into my pocket was a bait I couldn’t possibly ignore. So there I was, thousands miles away from my family, alone, trying to survive the night, literally. Everything was so easy in the city until they all forgotten that for once humanity was depending on woods and rocks to survive. The city people tend to simplify everything and that was disease I need to avoid. Did I make a wrong turn here? Well it was too late now to turn around and I was 5 minutes walk from home. I needed a hot shower. Not to forget to confront the problem beneath my feet.
As I walked home, I looked down to my shadow and I could swear that it just smiled at me. Oh this blizzard corrupted my mind. Would a hot shower suffice to shake the random imagination? I could only wait until I got home.
My white is your black. It is also the same if we flip the coin; my black is your white. Then and there, we create grey. In the grey we lost ourselves and created an infinite number of wars. Each of it drove us apart like logic shoved away god. And I begin to believe that the fights we’re giving to keep us close are futile to the enormous force of the grey. On the other hand, we both are aware that the grey is not the enemy. Where did we go wrong?
Is it because we held our colors too dearly?
Are we too arrogant to admit that the grey exists solely for us?
Why can’t we just surrender to the grey?
I recite those questions every single day until I lost my count without any of it answered. Like medicine, I do it twice a day; once I got up, and the second before I go to bed. Sadly, this medicine got me even sicker. I need you in this mess we gave birth to. I knew from the very beginning that you are my medicine. But I’ve cut myself out of reach because I am afraid of those questions. I am afraid that they would drag me to the pit of cowardice even further. It is beyond dark. I couldn’t see any white in it. Even the pit is only an idea, despair never failed to visit me whenever I look at the bottom of it. I am afraid one day there won’t be any white left in me to match up with your black. I am afraid if I got consumed by black, I would forgot my way back to you. I am afraid to lose you.
And there is this law of white and black thingy. So I am also aware that if I do nothing, I would lose you for real. By that thought, another question I haven’t figured out popped to my head; what can I do?
It might be easy without the grey. Too bad, it is there, ready to pull us apart in every chance we deliver our colors to its feet. When you’re black, should I be black to avoid grey? You wouldn’t want that. So do i. You are gorgeous as you are. But not to forget the fact that it would be lovely to live in the grey. Nonetheless, grey is in between. Not many could successfully live in it. I wish we could despite the fact of the infinite limbo it held. I wish one day we could see the grey as our ally. Again, what can I do?
And in the darkness of the night sky I am staring now, I addressed the question for the void in between us to answer. We are lost in our own color. I am losing you.
My time halts, shrinks and stretches simultaneously when she’s not near. I wonder when will it end? But when the time isn’t fixed, an eternity seems bearable. Now my only problem is to survive the agony I’m feeling. I miss her so very much until a single second ticks, it slices a big portion of my life. When will she comes back isn’t the right question to ask; how could she do this to me sounds like a good start to ask around.
So I begin my journey to my past. Reenacting every situation happened between us. Days change into weeks and I fail to find a single reason why. In that decaying memories, none of the fights matter. I fall in love all over again with her.
I just wish I could share what I’m feeling with her instead of let it slowly evaporates into nothingness. I wonder what she’s doing right now. But without a single way to reach her i’m addressing my wondering thoughts to the star as I lay on my rooftop. This routine happens everyday until I become too fond to think of her while staring at the stars without having a plan. I should’ve had, but I forgot how to start.
She was the center of my universe. And now that I’ve lost her, I am floating towards nothingness. Scary and fascinating at the same time. I wonder how will I survive this event with a few left in me. Perhaps I could never come back alive. Oh that would be fine. I have no plan of surviving the crash when she pulls me into her gravity after all. I fall too deep in love with a universe too big for me.
I am fighting weightlessly for something i have forgotten what. It had been ages I’ve lost my reason. Hope fuels me to move. Life haunts me from stopping. I wander towards somewhere I could not see. What is it that I’m looking for? Not knowing how to answer that, I keep on walking.
The land of the hopeless is where I am at. That’s what the shadows told me. Continue reading “Supernovas.”
Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose / The more things change, the more they stay the same
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Cunningly.Lost 