It has been a while hasn’t it? Through ups and downs last year (mostly downers) I am still around. I wonder why.

It has been tough. All of it!

A rollercoaster straight to hell. The breakup, my job, family, the pandemic, well basically everything hasn’t been easy. Somehow, I am still here, wondering what made me stay.

Many nights and days I stayed awake to figure out why am I not dead yet when all I ever wants to do is disappear? Last year, the universe had set the perfect scene for my disappearance as everything dawned on me that life is meaningless. I made my mind one night, took the knife and ready to finish my book, yet somehow the universe decided it wasn’t my time. I never got the chance to slice me open. I failed three times already, if I fail another one, death might not taken me seriously. So maybe one day I’ll try harder and get through.

When I began to accept that I have no purpose whatsoever in this world, everyone suddenly turned gazes on me and tried to help, pushing me to move on with life or making me feel better. Where were they, all of these years?

There were times when I think I am still here because it’s only human instinct to preserve life even one no longer desired for it. Somehow there stand this invisible wall stopping me to commit suicide. Other times I tried to comfort myself when no one did, that there are some mysterious plans ahead of me to be fulfilled; which big chunk of me think it’s a bullshit. But hey, maybe it is also in our system to comfort ourselves. I don’t know. I am lost and I don’t know how to come back home. But where is home?

You know, everyone has been asking about my wish/plan this year, and I have yet to answer them. I just chuckled and wonder the same question with them.

In the midst of wondering about everything, she often strolls on my beach and drags along regrets in her shadow. She’s the biggest pain I could not handle. Each time I thought of her, I pray that I still have another chance somehow somewhere in this life to reconnect with her. I’d do it properly next time. Maybe I am holding on for that chance to come? Not sure.

Now I am an empty shell. At least that’s how I feel. I stopped drawing, I stopped writing until this point. I have given up everything and wait for some disaster to hit me. I don’t know. Maybe one day I would get hit by a truck or something so suddenly that I wouldn’t leave a single bread crumb of my existence in this world. But memories exist! Oh, memories fade! Sooner or later once that I’m gone, people that brushed path with me will forget me. Don’t we all got someone we’ve forgotten? I’ll be next in line.

Oh, dear God, if you exist, please kindly end this miserable soul for it is such a waste of blessings.