It has been the last time since I felt like shit. I kind of missed it, but utterly, it is devastating and ripped me out of my core beyond point of return. You may already have guessed it, yes, it was a girl who did this to me. I don’t blame her, I blame me for pushing her too far and she never came back. I am talking ahead myself now. Let me tell you the whole story.

I had a long-distance relationship with a girl half of my age. At first, I rejected the idea of us. But it was too late when I let her in too deep inside me. There was nothing perverted in that, mind you, I was just letting her to see through me, this broken soul of mine. It was nice, knowing someone cared for you. When I realized and stopped trying to make her my lover, I realized I need her in my life. So I asked her to be mine, she said yes, to be brief.

It was tough knowing that she is mine, but wasn’t near me to hold. But I bore with it until she comes to me on her school break. During those times, we talked through phone every morning and night, catching up with the distance between us. Still miserable, but I knew she was mine, gave me a bit peace of mind. I held my best of the longing for her touch.

As the days went by, we figured out what each of us didn’t like from each other and worked our way to make it last. I could say a bunch of what I didn’t like, but that wouldn’t be fair. In the end, which those flaws, in my perspective, put us to an end.

Long story short after all hardships we’ve been through and the unbearable distance, she told me she needed a break because she was ‘too attached and dependent’ to me. That baffled me. How could someone thousands of miles away from me had such feelings? I have no clue, and will never get the answer. That time I just lost my dog. That was a wrong timing, but I love her, so I let her had the break she asked. I regretted that now. She told me to keep her posted every now and then to make sure I am still alive. I said, of course. Sadly, it was only for me when I thought she would too. I have always been the one to inform her my wellbeing.

Two weeks passed miserably at my end, and she asked for another two weeks. That did it, I was pissed. I could only reply “good”, which a sarcasm, but she was too focused on her ‘recovery’ that she didn’t see it. On that second half I tried to say nothing to her, and as expected, she didn’t say a word. I tried to make myself busy by asking a friend of mine to teach at my mother’s school. She agreed.

We met at my mother’s school, she taught there, and when we finished, she asked if she could see my new puppy since I wasn’t able to bear the loneliness I felt after my dog died. I had no problem with that. So I took her to my house, played with my puppy and drove her. End of the story, nothing happened.

Now in this era of technology, I posted the video my friend took in my Instagram, mentioned her account as the videographer. That’s a proper way to do it, I thought. But my girlfriend (now ex) saw it differently. She thought I tried to make her jealous and something must’ve happened. She said nothing though days after, she posted something in Instagram at a club getting drunk with her friends and boys. As I suspected, she tried to get back to what I did to her (the video of me playing with my puppy that my friend took). I got mad. I asked to break up through text.

The next day, all I got was one miscalled from her and a text only calling my name. I replied ‘sorry I was sleeping’. That’s it. She didn’t replied, she didn’t call until days later. I didn’t want to pick up, but I want her to fight for us. So I picked it up. She only made sure whether it was really happening or not. She didn’t even try to fight for me. As a pissed man, I kept being mad, seeing she put no efforts to stop me from leaving. I got pissed even more and said mean stuff. I admit I shouldn’t, but I wanted her to fight for me that bad. I was wrong. I couldn’t and should never force someone to do what they don’t want to do. I was broken and mad. Worst combination of feelings.

Anyway, I tried to live horribly since. Until two weeks after, I saw her in her Instagram with someone new. I thought I reached the bottom, but I was wrong. That post dragged me deeper. I lashed it out on her. I called her and explain how I felt through cries and shouts and hits on the wall. She still didn’t think she’s done anything wrong.

Now let me get this straight. She and I are introverts. It means to let someone in within two weeks is unlikely. Someone with the right mind would think there must be something going on within those times of her ‘break’. She moved on that easily, it’s just not like her.

I tried to reason with myself, “oh that’s how she coped with the sadness, she sees someone new”. But with that, also came “that’s why she didn’t even bother to fight for me, because she found someone new!” Like I said, being sad and mad are the worst mix.

She asked on that faithful phone call, what I wanted from her. I said (angrily) “really?! I need to spell it for you? Fight for us!” She said nothing. I should’ve seen it by then, that she had no slightest will to fight. Instead of letting her go, I gave one more fight and said “Take your time and think it over. Please, if you think there is a chance for us, stay.”

Few days later, she told me it is impossible for us to carry on. Now here I am writing this out, just to let it all out. It just sad. All those sacrifices we both made, gone to waste. I was wrong to fought so hard. I should’ve trusted my guts to not have the relationship. I got nothing left now but self-loathe at the bottom of the pit I won’t bothered to climb. Maybe it was my fault for thinking she was my equal to handle this broken soul. I trusted my soul to the wrong person. Shit happens, that’s life. Pathetic. After all those begs and spelled it out to her what I want, I still lost her.

I do wish she could be happy even with someone else. And part of me is still wishing it should be me.