Here is the the thing, you always see me as your greatest enemy; your nemesis. Roughly I know when it began. Maybe it all started when I slapped you for the first time. But when I think of it lately with a clear head, the guilt wasn’t totally on me. Of course I am terribly sorry and regret that I did that. But it was because you slapped me too many times simply because ‘to make you feel better ’.

You always asked me to prove you about my love. I knew (as you told me zillion times too) that I hurt you. But with you slapped me just because I deserved them or because it was the only way to make you feel better, I was asking inside me, ‘so with this you, trying to telling me that you lovedme?’ It was wrong. But I let it happened a lot of times. I should’ve stopped you, but I preferred those slaps rather than losing you. And without me ever realized what was happening inside of me because we both were focusing on you, slowly it scarred my pride.

Oh yes, my pride. The pride you loathed the most. But lemme tell you, love, my pride is something I could never dismiss no matter how I hate myself for being filthy. I believe we all born with that. Even a son of a serial killer has a pride. As we both know, I would get a slap every time I raised my voice. I agreed on it. So every time I did and you slapped me, no pride involved there. But when you, all of a sudden decided to slap me just to make you feel better, that reached deep inside me that held my pride dearly. It got angry. Slowly. Unnoticed. Until I exploded and I slapped you in reply for all the silence I gave you when you slapped me for your own amusement. To make it clear, everything was on us both. On me for saying nothing when it all happened, and on you just because you slapped me to make you feel better. But did you? I doubt that, even now. The prove? You were still grudging for everything. So I saw all those slaps I received was for nothing.

And since then things started to go downhill. We fought more and each fight ticked us to the edge of exploding. I knew you couldn’t take it, thus why I said goodbye. I didn’t want to, that was why I would get back to you begged for another chance. You gave it because you believed I would be better. But I didn’t. You blamed me for everything. And now, in the absence of you, I can see it clearer. By seeing clearer, I wouldn’t dare to say I am right. Just simply clearer.

I think it was all because you clutched on the past too much. It wasn’t wrong. It was natural. It traumatized you. I scared you. But when you held the past too dearly, I think I could never prove you a thing. Not even the tiniest shit. Like I barely raised my voice and went smoking instead.but you saw that as I left you alone in the problem I created. Everything would be the same in your eyes. I was still your greatest enemy. I was still the lunatic that drove you mad.

I couldn’t and wouldn’t take another blame on me after three moths we didn’t meet. I would go on to be better without you if I have to. I won’t let you guilt tripping me after I went through hell by myself. But again, we talked. Because I didn’t want you to go through hell alone. I know how it feels. Especially when you kept ranting about me putting you there. I would help, if you let me. Apparently, you didn’t. All you did when we talked was seeing me as the same person. You kept repeating the same line. How I wore you out. How you felt exhausted when I was near. And other nasty words. But did you realize, that I was there ready to pull you out. You were the one decided to stay in hell and never gave the chance for me to show you that I could help.

You kept telling me those when I was already way ahead of you and got better even it was far from perfect. So I have to let you go. I won’t let you dragged me to hell for a second time, honey. I’ve been there.

Oh by now I know what are you thinking. I am being irresponsible for the mess I made. But lemme make it clear again. How could I clean up when all you can see is the mess I made? I would clean the dirty paper until it is white again. Even if I did, would you see it as white or you would see it as the previous dirty one? I couldn’t even begin to clean when you keep coming and reminding me about the dirty paper. I know it already. I made it dirty, right? Think of it, baby. If you really want me to clean it, give me the chance. Then you can tell me that the paper is still dirty, instead of stopping me from starting.

I know you are scared. But if you keep staying in the corner, how can I dance with you in the center of the ballroom and show the world we could be the best?

I guess it is all up to you. All I could do is to stay here until time erases my hope from being with you again. But I will stay here for as long as I can because I want to be with you. I know I may sound (still) lunatic to you, but it’s the truth. I will hold on here for you while keep growing from being better. If you couldn’t forget the past, then cut me off from your life. I understand. I won’t be mad. I forgave you already. I just wish that you could see that we could be the best.

Again, I am sorry, love, for ever wear you out. It was never my intention to hurt you even. In the slightest bit. I love you. Always.