I wake up, sweating from a nightmare I can’t remember. My heartbeat is racing with my breath. I need the time to figure out where I am. I sit, look around and find out that I am in my room. I check the time; it is two in the morning. My girlfriend is sleeping soundlessly next to me. None of us is wearing a thing underneath the blanket. I stay there trying to get a grip on myself. Getting my breathing right again. Somehow everything is stagnant. I feel the time stops for me. I look around and everything seems stop for me. No sound to be heard. Maybe I need to change the clock into an analog one. It ticks to prove the passage of time instead the digital one. The only thing moving is her chest going up and down to prove me that the time is still flowing in this room. I look at her peaceful face. Oh how I love her with all I have. I want her to know that. I want to be this peaceful when I am around her. But the longer I look at her, the angrier I get. The angry-me is coming closer. I can hear him running towards me. I have to move from here, away from her.

I stand up, walk out from my bedroom and sit on the couch in the living room without putting a thing on me. I look out and the moon hangs up there in the sky with all its heart’s content, shining bright into the room. Even with no light’s on, I can see clearly the whole room. I forgot to close the curtain after watching the full moon thinking about something. I try to remember my dream just now. My mind turns into a vacuum, sucking every effort I put into nothingness. I can’t remember a thing. I can’t even remember when my girlfriend came and what we did that night. The only thing remains is that I looked at the full moon before I went to bed. Then the rest is blank page.

I think of the time I spent with her. I met my girlfriend a year ago and right away, I got the feeling that she is the one. I didn’t know why and I am still figuring it out now. The thing I know for sure is that I’ve never loved someone this much before. But again since I love her so much, I hold on too tight that made her cracked here and there. I am not sure of what to do. I am just scared I would lose her when she is a lovable person. Everyone around her loves her. And most of them are better souls than me. I am afraid that one day she would find another soul that could love her better. She is going that way now.

It was about a week before I went to see Rose I felt that the fire we made is dying. My girlfriend told me that she begins to feel nothing to me. I began to feel the relationship won’t go anywhere if none of us would change. And I know if I’m the only one changing, it wouldn’t be sufficient for us. People said that relationship is about finding the right match for us like puzzle pieces. If it doesn’t fit you, then you change your partner until you find the right one. Then what would happen if I cut myself just to match with her? That’s another way out, right?

“All this time you are giving your love to her while getting nothing in return,” Rose said. “I am not saying that she doesn’t love you. Probably it is not the love that could fill your tank. I think it works the same on her end. So both of you keep draining both tanks without ever getting it refilled.” From the talk with Rose I know that both of us need to change for the continuation of the relationship. But as we all know, changing isn’t easy to do. Especially when she keeps repeating that I am the one with problems, I should be the one to change. I would. I will change for a better me. That’s why I am going to see Rose. Then again, what would happen if I change and fill her tank full the way she wants me to fill? What about my tank? The question full of speculations with only one way to answer it; I need to do it and see what might happen. The first step is always the scariest. I am afraid to get one of my speculation turns right, which most of the time I’m speculating for the worse. The thought gives me a massive headache. I should’ve seen that coming when I just got a nightmare. So I drop it for now and let out a big sigh

With nothing in my mind, I stare into my TV. It takes me some time to realize that someone is standing stealthily in the corner of the living room beyond the reach of the moonlight, watching me. Suddenly it all comes back to me as I turn around. I know that silhouette. It’s him. He is the man I saw in my dream. The one to responsible for the nightmare I had and the stagnant stench I felt in my bedroom. I believe he was there too, watching me sleep.

“Why are you here?” I ask him quietly so I won’t wake up my girlfriend. He decides to stay in his corner and says nothing. That secretive nature, I know it is him without a doubt. “How did you manage to cross over?” I try again to get him to talk. And in his dark corner, slowly I can see his white teeth grinning to me. He is mocking my confusion. He won’t answer anything I ask him. Somehow I know that. I just stare into the shadow where he stands with his grin for me. In the silence, I hear a dog barks from the neighborhood.

As silence becomes louder, I begin to fret. The time keeps ticking and I’m getting older with fear emitted from him, sipping into me. I need to stand my ground and protect whatever is mine. But on the other hand, I start to doubt myself. I couldn’t even protect her from myself, how am I suppose to protect her from the world or this malicious shadow?

Apparently this shadow man feeds on fear. He gets bigger and his shadow gets darker. I am losing the fight by a simple grin. How pathetic. I am losing without a single fight.

With my tail between my legs, I stand up from my couch and walk to the bedroom leaving him behind in his corner. She is still sleeping, not knowing the fact that I am trying to keep her safe. She doesn’t even need to know that after all. I get to my side of bed, get under the blanket and hug her. I could feel her warmth when our naked bodies touched. She turns with her back facing me. I don’t let her go. In her sleep she caresses my right hand while I’m hugging her for a while and stops. Her calm breathing gives me peace. I won’t trade this feeling for anything else.

I can feel her heart beats along with mine as I press her body closer. Our hearts align beneath these skin and flesh. It would only take one bullet to kill us both. But this is my sanctuary. I won’t let any bullet pierce her heart. I love her for real without the slightest doubt. I need her to get things through. I hope she needs me the same.

“Hey,” I whisper slowly in her ear. She mumbles about something in respond.

“You know I love you more than anything in this world, right?” She nods weakly to that. I kiss the back of her head. I love the smell of her shampoo.

“I am sorry that I haven’t been giving you the best of me,” slowly I feel like crying. But I won’t let it shows. I hold back my tears.

“You deserve better than me,” after I said my fear, she turns and looks at me with her sad eyes. It hurts me to see her getting hurt. Especially when I caused the pain.

“I don’t want someone else better than you,” she says with her sweet voice and continues, “I want a better you,” she kisses me on my right eye. I think she knows I refrain from crying.

“But my love isn’t enough for you,”

“I don’t care,” she stroke my hair gently and says, “I have enough love for both of us.”

And I cry while she is hugging me.

“Oh baby, don’t cry,” her hug tightens. I feel weak in her arms. I can’t say a word.

“Do you know that I think of you as the ocean?” She asks after few seconds of silence.

I shake my head slowly, can’t help myself from crying.

“Yes you are to me. You are not the beach where it is shallow and the wind could only produce waves.” I can sense she’s scared in her voice. Then che continues “You are the deep ocean where wind could make tornados at any time it pleases and massive waves that could sink lots of Knock Nevis,” she says.

“Do you know what’s a Knock Nevis?” I shake my head again as an answer.

“It is the largest ship around nowadays,” it amazes me of her knowledge. Then she carries on, “yes, and even that large oil tanker is not a match for you, the great ocean. While on the other hand, I am in it too, babe. You know what I am?”

“Megalodon?” I try to joke around rather than being miserable in her hug.

“I wish I am,” she giggles on it. Oh I love her giggle. It is the cutest giggle I’ve ever heard in my entire life. It is amazing how the tiniest thing would be so amazing on someone you love so dearly.

“I am just an Athena,” she says after a bit pause, thinking of what she might be.

“Athena is only one fifth of Knock Nevis’ size. And I am in your ocean too, my love,” she keeps talking while caressing my back. I love this moment. I want to love her forever. Without drowning her.

“It is scary, of course. I would be lying if I say I can survive the storm with confident. But even I am scared, I know the ocean is something I love. I choose to be in the water. The rest is your choice, whether to sink me or spare this little boat to keep sailing. I am in your hands of mercy, babe.” Her stroke on my back gets slower. I can feel she is scare of this relationship I bring. I let her words sink in me. I know for sure that I will never intentionally drown her.

“I am sorry if I looked like I am planning to drown you, I will never do that,” her body is trembling. I try my best to calm her, “you know it right?” She nods.

“But you know, knowing is not enough,” she replies, “I need you to prove it.”

“I will, my love. Now let’s get back to sleep.” Another nod from her and I let her sleep in my arms. Her head rest in my chest. She said it calms her to hear my heartbeat. I hope it works this time too.

In two minutes that feels like an eternity, she gets back to sleep. I know she’s asleep. We’ve spent a lot of nights together, so we both pretty much know about our habit. She would move away from me if she’s asleep. She can’t stand the heat whenever I hug her. So that’s what she did, and I know she is asleep. I let go of her and walk back to the living room. I open the window, and light up my cigarette. The moon is hiding behind a lump of cloud. I smoke in silence. The world is still rotating. A door somewhere in the building opens with a creak and never shuts. I throw my half-burnt cigarette outside and watch the wind takes it away. Then I get back inside at the edge of the living room, looking for the shadow man. I know he’s still here. I can feel his presence.

“I am ready,” I say to the void.

Slowly he begins to take shape a few steps away in front of me. You could easily mistaken him for something else if you see him briefly until you finally make out a humanoid shadow darker from the darkness itself. First, he is nothing but a dark shadow. Seconds passed and he stabilized, then he begins to show his grin again. The same exact grin like he showed me before to the tiniest degree.

Thanks to the wind, now there is nothing standing in front of the moon to block its light from coming in to my apartment. That’s when he steps into the light and shows me his real form. He is me. Slowly, confidently, he walks towards me. Every step he takes gives shiver through my spine. But I know I can’t step back now. I have to take him as part of me, after so many years I’ve forsaken his existence, causing him to loathed me and gave me nightmares. I need to be whole before I can love her with everything in me. I understand that now.

A step away from me, he stops. I look at his eyes while he’s on mine. Someone would mistaken us for an optical illusion now if it wasn’t for his grin to differentiate us. Through the glare of his eyes I know that he tries to intimidate me. That’s what he does best. I can’t lose now, for her sake.

I open my arms and I hug him. He is cold as ice. I want to let go but this is a thing I have to do. “That is all the price you have to pay,” the wise one’s voice echoed. This is my consequence for hiding him under the shadow. I close my eyes, and think of her as my reason, as my strength.

Sam Cooke’s Nothing Can Change This Love is playing somewhere inside me.

But if you wanted, to leave me and roam
When you got back, I’d just say ‘welcome home’

I open my eyes and I’m home, inside my box at the bottom of the ocean. And i could hear someone locks the box from outside.