I open my eyes slowly as Rose suggests. My body feels tired and stiff as I’ve been sitting unmoving for a long time. How long have I been here? I look at my watch. It’s seven in the night. I couldn’t tell the night has fallen since there is no window inside this massive room. I have been here for four hours but it doesn’t feel like it. It was more like thirty minutes for me inside my head. But my aching body tells the reality. Time distorted as I gone under the session. What a great power. I wish I could do that in a boring meeting. Go inside the meeting room, sit down, and the meeting ends in a blink. I could only wish for that.

I have a lot of things to ask, but that’s for later. As I regain my consciousness, Rose throws her beautiful smile at me. I am blushing somehow because of that with my head feeling a little bit fuzzy and my mouth feels so dry. I need to drink.

“How do you feel now?” It takes a while to get my voice back. I have to swallow my saliva to soak my throat. She waits with her smile like she’s trained to do. Then I tell her that I feel weird. I also tell her that I see a lot of me and ask whether it is normal or not to have imagination.

“First of all, it is not imagination,” she begins, “they all are your egos. They built who you are now through everything happened in your life,” one of my question answered, “they all protect you from any kind of harm,” she’s looking at me as if she’s trying to measure my reaction. I give her none. My mind is trying to remember what just happened. What about gloomy? He was the last one I see before I open my eyes.

“So as you also heard my conversation with the wise one,” she continues which I have to cut it short with shaking my head. She pauses. I can tell that she’s thinking of something. She exhales then says, “we have a lot of work to do,” and a smile. I believe it’s to assure me that I have nothing to worry about, which I do. Having a little better understanding about yourself isn’t gonna solve any problem. It is my first step of getting things fixed. Can someone fix this wreck?

“Well, let me tell you something to cheer you up,” she says. I’m guessing she saw my worried look. “You are,” she lost her word there, thinks a bit and says, “unique,” One she said that the angry-me replies “Aren’t we all?” Oh what a sarcastic one! Then Rose continues, “I guess that’s the best word to describe you. Not weird, as you see yourself. People misunderstood you for some reason, and it is your job to explain things about yourself. Don’t be surprise, but this is my first time after fifteen years working as a consultant, to hear that my patient, which is you here, is aware of a lot of egos exist deep within. It is very easy to work with you. I like that.” She smiles while I am trying to keep my cool, not to blush.

“I think because you spent a lot of times on your own as you told me. You have no attachment to people around you, normal people would call them friends, but you have none as such. That left you with no other option than yourself. So you began to talk to yourself.” I listen to her attentively.

“You said earlier that you think that you are crazy for talking to yourself. Not just talking, but you are having conversation. You don’t ignore these voices when they tell you something like normal people do, they ignore the voices within. So that’s why your egos are very vocal about what they want,” she stops, giving me time to chew everything. “It’s not a bad thing to have dialogues with yourself. You acknowledge their existence, they appreciate you and tell you things in return.

“For example, you said you are so explosive that sometimes you hate yourself for that. You couldn’t work properly, your relationship is at risk, things falling apart. That being said, you shouldn’t hate yourself. See that matter differently now. Have you ever thought that this angry explosive-self of yours are trying to protect you?” I am shocked. It comes too fast. I never thought of it that way. I shake my head to object but no voice comes to shout it. Maybe some of them agree to what she said? I could only picture wise-me and calm-me.

“I am not saying here that it is okay to be explosive because you have some value to protect. It is bad when you always hear him; always give him the power to control you. All I’m saying here, I want you to be the boss of them all. Not just letting them to go all out as they pleased. Get closer to the wise one for he knows more than you think. All this time you were rejecting his voice. But deep inside, you know the things he said were true. You just refused to accept the truth. Sometimes you have to be logical when most of the time you are being too emotional. This is what we call the dominant ego. And all I can see, your anger is the boss here, because you listened to him a lot. You need to have a good harmony with yourself. Now it’s not too late to fix it. But I need your cooperation. Would you help me in this?” I nod to answer her. First, because I don’t know how else to be a better person, and there is Rose that could help me, of course I’d say a yes. The second reason, how could I say no when she smiles so gorgeously in front of me asking for help. The last reason is because my mouth has becoming very dry after swallowing those facts.

After that, Rose told me that the session for that day has ended. It would be pointless to carry on and forcing myself. She knows what’s best, so I have no objection. She adds that I should go back in a week. I thank her, and stand up. She remains seated and bids farewell. When I walk to the door, my shoes are still making those squeaking sound. But this time it doesn’t bother me all that much. I feel calm was I walk out the gate. I take a deep breath and let go slowly. I feel different – a good kind of difference. Could it be its’s because I spent a lot of time with the merman-me? Either way, I like this change.

I drive home, and take shower right away after I got home. A long hot shower while I think of everything she said. Again, everything looks suspicious. Not that I don’t believe her, but sometimes it is hard to accept a different point of view about yourself, especially the good ones. I want to accept the things she said earlier for I believe that she is trying to help me. I just need time to accept everything. After thirty minutes and my mind is tired of thinking, I get out of the shower. It is weird to think about it now that not so long ago I’ve been drowned and felt so dry continuously and here I am, having my freedom to control the water. Maybe I am the Aquaman after all.

After putting my pajamas, suddenly I have the urge to cook. So I walk to the kitchen and take whatever there for my dinner. Nothing fancy, just a simple tuna with egg. I eat in silence without anything in my mind. I feel calm. When I finished my dinner, I wash the plate and cutlery, then I smoke after it. As I light it up, I remember that I didn’t smoke on my way home, when I usually smoke at least two cigarettes. I wonder was it because what I felt? Maybe I should come back sooner since I always failed when I planned to stop smoking. Maybe. But for tonight, I want to smoke. I go out my veranda, and smoke there, looking at the stars.

I smoke slowly, thinking and remembering everything happened today. I am amaze with myself that I went to a psychiatrist and it ended well. I always think that going to a psychiatrist is a scary thing and only for the twisted one. Apparently that’s not definite reason to go into one. Sometimes you just need help from other to understand yourself better. To know what’s happening inside you.

As I puff away the white smoke, I make truce with everyone inside me.

It’s all about making a good harmony with yourself, Rose’s voice echoed in me. And I believe green rose exists.
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